April Oh nine

I'm pretty sure we miss living by this cousin. In fact I know it.

Three Years

For all intensive purposes my children are three years apart. Part of me feels like that is a lot, too far to play. (My little brother is two years younger than me, not three). But then when I see a picture of when my daughter was a newborn, I think my boy was so little. He looks nearly a baby himself. Who knows, I don't.

Yeah for Brent's Camera

Trying this post out, my end up deleted like the last photobucket experiment.

Hive Free

Yesterday I remembered the REAL reason I started trying to fix my rage. After Christmas my elbows started being itchy, once I got home from our vacation my knees and then the tops of my feet got itchy too. Once it hit my knees I realized I had been getting hives on my elbows for the past two weeks. Hives are miserable and a sure sign for me that I have some emotional trauma, then I got serious about relaxing and de-stressing. I can still tell I have some work to do, but I haven't been itchy since I started my quest, plus it never spread to the rest of my legs, and for that I am grateful.

After Liz's rave review of the LDS church's internet savvy, I signed up for LDS Gems and Family Gems. I figured I need regular reminders of why I want to do the things I do.
Since its Sunday, here are some quotes that have bolstered my desire to stop being angry all the time, especially toward my family.

“The relationship between love and appropriate action is demonstrated repeatedly in the scriptures and is highlighted by the Savior’s instruction to His Apostles: ‘If ye love me, keep my commandments’ (John 14:15). Just as our love of and for the Lord is evidenced by walking ever in His ways (see Deuteronomy 19:9), so our love for spouse, parents, and children is reflected most powerfully in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds (see Mosiah 4:30).”

David A. Bednar, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 18

As I teenager I listened to quite a few Family Home Evening Lessons on "Itching Ears"-- The wicked take the truth to be hard. When I read that quote I felt like it was cutting to the very being of me. If my love for my family is reflected in my words and deeds I definitely had some work to do. (If you would like to know more about itching ears, email my dad, I'm sure he has a copy of those lessons he gave my brother and me.)

"When we truly understand what it means to love as Jesus Christ loves us, the confusion clears and our priorities align. Our walk as disciples of Christ becomes more joyful. Our lives take on new meaning. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father becomes more profound. Obedience becomes a joy rather than a burden."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 21

Speaking of Joy, that is what I'm reading about in my scripture study.

I really felt like Isaiah 29:19, gave me a reference on what to do in my life,

The meek also shall increase their joy in the Lord, and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.

I have a cut out from the manual in my scriptures from a sunday school class in high school, that reads, "A meek man is defined as one who is not easily provoked or irritated and forbearing under injury or annoyance... The meek man is the strong, the mighty, the man of complete self-mastery..." I know I won't be perfect anytime soon, but that is the perfection of motherhood of young children in my opinion, not easily provoked, irritated or annoyed. As I try to achieve this, I will find motherhood much more joyous.

More Fun

A few days later we took them to the Kids Museum. All I took pictures of were the helicopter.

Now that I have two kids that walk we go all the time, thanks to the Shilligs putting our name on the pass. Sadly its over in a week, to make it up to my kids, I bought my son a $2.00 toy cash register, and my daughter a $2.00 doll stroller, that was broken, I have since fixed it.

The cousins came to play

Ok, so they didn't come to our house, but we were happy to meet them at grandmas. We went to the our old stomping ground to see the Art Museum.

Totally Working

As weird as it may sound, I've been working at replacing my negative emotions with more positive ones. Which is actually working quite well, because it validates the negative emotion, but doesn't keep it around. Saying I'm not mad does not work, because well I was mad. Anyway, as I was falling asleep I was working at relaxing and all that jazz. When I thought I can do it, I'm no longer paralyzed by the change of my son growing up. I can do what it takes to enroll him in preschool. Honestly the idea of preschool just was paralyzing me, but I knew it would be whats best for him and the whole family.
Today I woke up, started doing stuff. Started not really doing stuff. Thought am I going to figure out preschool? It was a real question, was I actually going to stop being paralyzed by my son getting older, or fall back into bad habits. I immediately went and got my phone, tried the number, it wouldn't dial. Checked the internet and found out the area code was different?! Wierd, I didn't even know such an area code existed in this state but google verified. Anyway, information is in the mail today for me.
Although anymore advice that people have would be great!

Preschool-- Please Help

What type of advice do all you preschool sending moms' have for me?

My husband informs me my son will be an adult in 15 years whether or not I send him to preschool. But I need my time so I should send him. Thats not the type of advice I'm looking for. I already know that. He then informs me that our son will be top of his kindergarten class whether we send him to preschool or not, but he will enjoy it, so I might as well send him. Once again not the type of advice I'm looking for.

I don't even know the questions to ask how to I find a good preschool. What about prices? You would say ask around, the people I know don't have kids in preschool. What is a good preschool you ask, one that is not daycare, one that isn't super expensive; I'm already paying one college tuition currently, I'm not looking to double it, one that is not the first step on his SAT prep, I don't care about guarantees of reading.
Our school district does Preschool, I tried to call to figure out some answers, like price. But the phone wouldn't work, I was able to call my sister, but not the preschool number, it wouldn't even connect. How do I tell its actually preschool and not headstart? My son doesn't need headstart he has been read to since infancy. I'm looking for preschool next august, I feel overwhelmed I already have to worry about it.
PLEASE HELP, all you preschool mom's I know lots of you are out there. Give me advice. How did you find a preschool?

Journey

I debated on whether or not to type this on my blog. I am posting, because then I will have a record of my adventures as a crazy mommy. I was recently told I am very unsympathetic. Once said, I really how terrible I have been. I've started to fake it, I figure fake it till you make it right? Its been quite challenging for me to feel bad for my son when he jumps of the couch and starts to cry, I mean he isn't even suppose to be jumping on the couch. But I'm been working at pushing that out of my head, and giving them a hug instead, when my children get hurt I think, you'll get over it, in a very negative tone. But I would rather be a nurturing mother than an angry mother. And I don't want to be someone who is always yelling at their children, so on I am going with my journey. The other day, I was so proud of myself, my daughter closed her drawer on her fingers, and I actually felt bad for her. I genuinely wanted to pick her up and say, oh you'll be alright. Most of you think why wouldn't I feel bad that she hurt her fingers, because in my negative mind I think, oh I just have to pick up all the plates and cups she pulled out of the drawer. I'm continuing on my fake it until I make it plan because there is plenty of time I'm not feeling too sympathetic.
I have started to re-read, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. Which is totally a kooky book, but it provides good reference for me to turn around my emotions. Some of the book, I disagree with, and skip over her pyscho babble, but other parts help me remember, that I really don't want to spend my day yelling at my son, telling him if you do that you'll get hurt and I won't feel bad. I don't really want to be the mom that says, you're doing it wrong. I normally just use the reference in the back, but I have started to re-read the book this time. But in the back reference, I found "angry.... forgive, love, peaceful, calm, merciful". Seriously I needed to read what were opposite emotions of anger, so I could work on being the opposite.
So here are my pyscho babble sentences.

• I chose to love my children. Even if they cy, they can be upset. I can be upset. But I still choose to love them.
• I choose to be peaceful, to set a tone of peace for the house. Even if everyone is "bored"/"having a hard day". I can invite peace.
• I can choose to be calm, even if I'm hungry, everyone else is hungry, and dinner is late. I can be calm, I can teach my child to be clam.
• I can be merciful, even if I knew such an activity would end in tears. I can be merciful. I can love my children no matter what they do. I can forgive them when they are disobedient.
• I can choose to allow my children to be upset/whiny/hurt. They are in control of their emotions, I can be in control of mine. I am their mother, I love them, but they can be upset, they are their own person. They have their own agency.
• I did not know all the responsibilities that would come with parenting. But I choose to be a mother, I can meet the obligations, I can choose to meet the challenges, without being angry.

Writing all those did help. I realized that I am not forced to be a mother, I am not forced to stay at home, I am not forced to be nice, no one is forcing me to cook dinner. I'm choose to spend my day with my kids, I'm the one that wants to be nice. And that was good enough realization to make me want to be nice.
That is is enough of a journey for one day. I'm not sure if I really want to publish, but yet I am. Part of me wants to say I'm not really as crazy as I sound, and part of me says, I am. I guess it depends on the day, the time, the hour, some days, some hours I'm crazy. Other times I'm just me. Overall I'll tell you I'm tired. I don't want to clean, I want to watch TV, or sleep. But I am cooking dinner every night, cleaning the kitchen, and doing the laundry. In fact I even clean up toys, and vacuum. Yesterday I even washed the sliding glass door, plus I've been organizing. I guess I've done a lot other than watch TV. I just don't want to clean the bathrooms. I even cleaned my laundry room/storage room. But please... don't make me do anything. I just want to sleep and watch tv.

Cute baby

I thought my baby looked so cute yesterday, so we took lots of pictures. The tights were handme downs, and although a little big, she looked perfect.

Evie came to visit

One more Christmas 09 post. My cousin, Scott, his wife Larissa and their child Evie came to visit us near the end of the stay at my parents. Now Scott and Larissa and us go way back to like two years ago, when be both lived in Springville. I know like I said way back. Although Scott and I do go way back, because we are cousins, and only a few years a part so we I spent most of my childhood hanging out with him. Anyway, I took no pictures of Scott and Larissa, because really adults aren't as fun in pictures as children. But I did get some great shots of my daughter being super mean to Evie. In an effort to save this basket which my mom keeps lots of "babies" in (small stuff animals) which are called babies to my son. So I introduced...

Three small chairs for three child. I figured it would all be fine and dandy. Unfortunately as the picture will show, N babe spent all of her energy making sure Evie did not get to sit on the swing.

She didn't even really want her her brother to sit in the swing either, but a big brother is a lot harder to push around. Literally.

But finally Evie succeed and got to sit in the swing. What these pictures don't show, it the extensive screaming and crying of all those involved.

FHE and Cameras

My husband got his birthday present early, a Pentax K-X. I've been wanting him to get a new camera for years, for his amateur enjoyment. Our first camera was a digital camera that was a step up or two from point and shoots, and he enjoying playing around with it. We have all types of pictures of my son as a baby and me, but then when the camera broke, that mostly ended. I'm narcissistic so I've been wanting my husband to get a new camera since we got our first "real" job after college. He splurged on sale, and now we have fun shots of family home evening cookie making on Monday.



I'm a point and shoot type of girl, so we still need our cannon SD800 but its nice to have a camera that takes good shots. Although I wouldn't mind an upgrade.
Speaking of an upgrade, now that we have good amateur pictures, I'm really considering changing over to wordpress per Shannon's suggestion. I'm quite annoyed at their dumb photo uploads, and small picture size.

Yoginis

I have done yoga three times this week, it has definitely helped my goal of not being a crazy mommy. Today I did it this morning while the kids were awake. My baby was slightly confused at what I was doing but then she got the hang of things. When she laid on her belly and lifted her head. She squealed to make sure I noticed that she too was doing cobra like her momma. Everyone was proud of her including her brother. She was so proud she rolled over, laid on her back, and laughed at herself for about 5 minutes. I guess that was final relaxation for her.
Children are natural yogis, and naturally do poses all day long but today was the first time that my daughter ever purposely did a pose for the sake of doing a pose. It was pretty funny and cute.
You may wonder how yoga and relaxation can coincide with my children running a noise making cash register toy, and pushing a doll stroller in circles around me (DI was good to my kids yesterday). But I figure that is the ultimate test, if I can relax around their happy chaos. Plus I'm not one for exercise, so I figure I have show a good example the few times a year I do actually exercise.

Christmas 09

For all you with out google reader accounts, or something like that, I have finished uploading all my christmas pictures. Why I spent the whole afternoon doing this is beyond me. But they are are, I even created a label for all you non RSS reader feeder something or other caller things: Christmas 09. (So original I know) Now you can see more pictures of children and a few of their cousins in matching jammies than you ever could hope for. Don't worry I put hardly any words on the posts, because I knew very few of you would even look at the pictures, let alone read lots of words.

P.S. My husband has a theory, that when we are all dead and gone, it will be like our great grandparents generation, people will search for the few printed copies of a photo we actually have. Sure people like me take a couple hundred pictures a month of my kids, but how many get printed so people of future generations will actually see them.

Butter

Who's with me? I love butter. Whenever I find it on sale I buy at least 6 packages. Unless its challenge butter on sale in which case, I buy as much as they have. I love butter. That being said I have started doing half butter half shortening in my baking goods and love it. I hate cookies that turn out like pancakes, doing half butter half shortening gave me the most beautiful cookies I've ever seen in my entire life. Plus it turns out I like frosting better when its half butter half shortening too. Oh the joys of life-- butter and shortening.

Sunbeams revised

Last night before bed I was talking with my boy about how fun Sunbeams was, he said, yeah except one part scary. I asked him what part was scary? He said in the beginning when I didn't know the songs.
I just can't get over, how sad that story sounds for a three year. Considering he is 5 weeks away from being 4, he has spent a long time as the top dog in Nursery. I could see how it would be scary to all of sudden be a little fish in a big pond, and not know any songs.
We spent a long time last night learning our January Song, I know that My Savior Loves Me. He was more than willing to learn.

Sunbeams

I know all the rest of you with 2006 babies, already sent their kids to Sunbeams, but we were out of town and I didn't feel like doing it out of town. So today was my boy's first day of Sunbeams. It was so cute and little looking sitting there in his chair, with his best friend/the girl next door sitting next to him. He got a little upset in the beginning, because he didn't know the songs we were singing in opening exercises. He said the prayer in class and got his a star sticker next to his name. His teacher told me afterward that he was so cute and sweet.

Stay at Home Mom

I've known for a few years know why I am a stay at home mom, but if you wanted me to explain in words, it probably wouldn't work. (See two post previous, my heart is not articulate.)
But as I spent the evening with my husband, Saturday night movie night, the kids in bed, us on the couch, actually able to cuddle since I'm not pregnant, with our red netflix envelope empty, the computer dvd drive spinning, it suddenly became so clear.
We were watching (500) Days of Summer, and the Narrator said this,

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday.

That is why I'm a stay at home mom.
Sure my days, begin and end like everyone else's but every day is remarkable, every day has a lasting impact. My children won't remember a single day that will happened in 2010, five years from now, and I will remember only a few. But memories are made on the heart, and every day is remarkable. Every day, has an impact on the course of the rest of our lives in this house. My husband goes to work each day, and I stay at home, and while we are a family with our kids, we are able to stay out of the rat race. That is why I'm a stay at home mom, because my days do not just begin and end, the are full of impact, memories are made.

A preschooler?

My daughter is napping, and I slightly cleaned my house in anticipation for my husband's return from his business trip, so I have nothing to do but blog. Lucky you.
Remember how I mentioned my son and I were doing joyschool/preschool with our neighbors. Well it was deteriorating and I knew, and now its crumbled to nothing. I've learned a lot though.
Anyway, maybe next child... The problem is my son has now become accustom to leaving the house without me or his baby sister in tow, what are we suppose to do now?
Pay money, which is fine, I was just hoping to put it off until next fall. My plan was do joyschool for a year, than pay for preschool for a year. Overall I wish kindergarten was still optional, and most kids stayed at home with their internet wasting mothers until they were 6. But instead, my son tells me about 50 million times a day he is bored, and lets eat lunch at McDonalds. (He had never eaten at McDs until last August, he had never eaten there with his mom paying until December and now he is obsessed. We were wise to hold off. He now has a baby sister to eat his paid for meal so he has the privilege of playing on the slides and getting a toy. He better get an appetite soon, because before you know it she is going to complain that she eats the food so she should get the toy.)
Back to my son's schedule. I don't really want him to grow up, I think I could handle the tantrums if he promised he wouldn't ever grow up. I don't want to plan trips to grandmas' houses under the G on the weekends, and plan vacations around school breaks. But he is, so I'm thinking parent free kindermusik and a tumbling class at the local Rec center. I'm really not ready to break into the whole Preschool thing just yet. And honestly neither is my son, he is introvert and so even-though the baby and me bore him at home, he doesn't really want much on his plate. (Introvert, as gets worn out by being around to be many people. My son has never been shy, but always been introverted.) And sadly preschool will come sooner than I expect, registration for preschool classes at the local elementary school is in February. Yikes! Next month.
Overall I'm paralyzed by fear. Kindergarten starts a few weeks after my husband graduates with a Masters in Business Adm and then he wants to get promoted and move or get a different job, in another location. (Am I allowed to write that on the internet?) I don't understand what it means to be a mother with a child in school, and registration and such, I can't handle the idea of re-registering somewhere else in the middle of year. I'm not worried about him, he is young, and resilient, its me that's not. Not to mention even if my husband doesn't get a new job, we aren't staying in this apartment for another year after school, just so I don't have to re-register him.
What happened to being his favorite person, and his best friend? Now I'm just boring old mom, who steals hugs, and has to find a preschool to attend. Diaper changes are easier. Speaking of, I keep thinking, huh... next year at this time, I'll be getting ready to potty train again, once its warm enough for no pants. Huh.... I hate potty training, but I also hate changing dirty diapers. Yup, 14 months and then another round of potty training. Well that's my life. Luckily next time I attempt potty training, my son will be in preschool four mornings a week.
ps, I haven't posted any christmas pictures, in the next week or so, expect about 15 posts.

Flat

There is so much to say, but yet the things written on a heart can't be written in words.
Things like I adore my children, and I miss my husband end up sounding flat, anyone can say that. But how else can it be written? Luckily at least there are words for that, there are often so many things that can't be spoken. Ironically, only felt.

Even a cell phone picture of a laughing baby with a mcdonalds happy meal box on her head like a hat still doesn't do justice.

My one Goal

My goal this year is to stop being a crazy mommy.
I guess maybe my second one is to not start being a crazy wife. I feel like I have done a good job as a wife last year, but as a mommy I'm nutty.
My husband does not like broad vague goals like that, so here are the specifics on how I plan on solving it.

1. Eat breakfast early on in the morning, and eat lunch at noon, low blood sugar seems to be one of my largest causes of anger. No wonder I'm ornery when I only eat a piece of toast by 2 pm
   
2. Study my scriptures daily
3. Have background music on more often in the house. thank goodness for pandora, classic stations, folk instrumental stations, even teen pop, yes, I like that station. Even allow my child to listen to the annoying Primary CDs, even with their annoyances surprisingly they do improve the mood of the house.
   
4. Increase my budget, I honestly can not feed and clothe my child with the amount I set aside. I don't even buy name brand food, which means I feel like a failure when every two weeks I spend more than I planned.
   
5. Make sure I'm praying regularly
6. I'm made great strides in not comparing myself to other women in my parenting duties since August, but I need to continue on this path
7. Enjoy my children, laugh at them more
8. Not worry about the mundane things of life when my kids are clambering for attention, it is so much fun to stop chores and play than continue chores and hear whining
   
9. Cook my family dinners, whenever I'm actually cooking for my family my mood is much more relaxed
10. Continue detoxing my liver, I have some issues right now, which includes a liver that has hurt for the last two years. I carry anger and anxiety in my liver, I'm working at relaxing and detoxing it with out any radical diets
11. Exercise! I know exercising will help me relax and not hoard my anger
12. Stop yelling at my kids. I don't know what has happened when we moved to our 20s bunglow a year and half ago, I turned into crazy mommy and started yelling. I'm making progress now, I know and recognize when I'm doing it, that is step one. Now I need to stop mid sentence, then stop mid thought and eventually the yelling thoughts will stop
    
13. Not worry if my house is not clean
14. Reread What Happy People Know, and rewrite my life scripts -- I am totally fine about my husband doing is MBA, yeah I have no one to pick up slack around the house, but I am totally ok with that. I have almost started to enjoy the evenings I have with the kids. Plus my husband knows he doesn't have quantity time with them so he gives them a really quality hour. And its great to watch them play. I was actually quite pushy to get the MBA over and done with now, I feel like its our MBA. But yet when people ask what is up, I find myself complaining about being a single mother, with this voice in my head wondering why I'm complaining. I don't want to complain while he is at class, (well I did until I adjust to our new life). Anyway, I want to rewrite my life scripts so I can declare I am happy. Because I am, I'm not miserable.
15. Continue laughing at my daughters temper tantrums
16. Never ever feel guilty again that my husband enjoys cooking bread and I don't. (I won't accomplish never ever, but I like to shoot high)
17. Enjoy college life in our little (huge) apartment with our two babies, with our even numbers, two parents, two kids/two boys, two girls 2004,2006,2008. I think it might be a blessing that my husband and I have gotten to be poor college students with babies, twice now. (Even if we aren't poor this time) In a couple of decades these will be our favorite memories. Although I'm pretty sure I can't remember any of it now.
18. Vacuum Saturday night. I hate staring at a dirty carpet all sunday, wishing I could vacuum, but deciding, I have to wait for Monday, because vacuuming is work that can wait. Vacuuming right before Saturday night baths make me infinitely happier on Sundays.
    

Overall I'm extremely happy, I feel like I have perfect kids and a perfect husband, life has taken me down the exact opposite path as I planned but I love it. Sure I'm crazy mommy right now, and we have other struggles but I think that is why I am so happy. I can see the opposition. I appreciate every family moment we have together, because my husband is so busy. Home cooked meals are the ONLY thing that keeps us together right now, and my kids aren't even 4 yet. Plus I'm totally positive that my children behave better if I don't let them eat "kid meals" all the time, and make the eat "adult food" like salad, stir fry, bean soups, and hot cereal, at least twice a week.

Four

My son is about 6 weeks away from his birthday. Tonight as we were getting ready for bed, he looked so cute, I almost started to cry (my emotions might have been induced by other factors). I exclaimed to him, that he was getting so big and he was about to turn 4! I asked him why he wasn't my baby anymore?! He didn't quite understand he just smiled awkwardly and continued jumping. I wanted him to promise he would never turn 4, but yet I knew he wouldn't be able to keep such a promise, not to mention he has been looking forward to his birthday for the last 6 months, why would I let my selfishness deny him joy? But seriously four is so old! And really he did use to be my baby. My baby that crawled for 10 months, with fat pudgy cheeks, now he is a skinny boy without even a baby fat belly who jumps and writes notes.

sabbatical

After missing the first birthday of the year for one out of my 60 immediate relatives I've decided to go on Sabbatical. My husband is in school and everyone is entitled to break sometimes. Don't expect a birthday card from me this year. Unless you are someone's grandma or grandpa. Sorry.
I'm sure some of you don't care which is why I'm going on sabbatical, sort of...
I plan on sending them in a year from now, but who knows.
It wasn't two kids that drove me to quit, it was MBA school.
Let's hope I'm not quitting, but just breaking...